After Blast Warrior Wife

That damn text message.

2012-02-29T13:35:00.001-05:00

SpouseBuzz had the most comments on the KIA notification texting situation, and buried in those comments were some words from some of the wife's family. I think it is only fair to share this article since I shared the other.

For me, it goes back to someone jumping on the chance to contact the wife as soon as possible. If you aren't close, if you aren't friends- just wait, but do send something a few days after. The people closest to her will take care of her immediate needs. It was crazy who came out of the wood-work within minutes of finding out about my husband's injuries. But I will tell you, the support and love we received from strangers, from other wives and families, is what keeps my faith in humanity. Be a part of that for someone else if you're given the chance. There is a time and a place for anyone to say something kind and supportive, and there's no reason that adults shouldn't know theirs.

God bless them all.

Edit: WIA Notification.

2012-02-27T10:09:00.009-05:00

In my attempt to be helpful to explain my own experiences with WIA notification, I neglected to focus on the positives. It was completely unnecessary of me not to mention the things that went correctly. If it sounds like I'm backtracking, I am. That was- for the first time- not written out of anger or frustration but to simply educate people on something that is not set in stone in the military.

Our command did everything they could have possibly done to ease the pain for myself and Aaron. As I described in my "angry post" about the person who did tell me about Aaron: Thankfully, it was someone who is kind, who knew me, and felt a whole lot of pain while doing it. That person was our commander. I considered it a given that I wasn't judging down-range command for the actions of the stateside rear-d, but I shouldn't take it for granted that everyone can detect that. It really twists my insides that another company's decisions could possibly make our company command look poor in any way. We did have a pre-deployment briefing on KIA/WIA notification from a casualty affairs officer. It was basic, but it gave me enough information to know that when the two ACU uniformed strangers came to my door, I knew what they were there for when they asked to come in.

Perhaps it is a learning lesson that people shouldn't judge anyone down range for what happens Stateside. I know I certainly don't. I know if our captain or first sergeant could have done anything to save my notification, they would have. If I already made this clear, then I'm reiterating. Also, I know the first sergeant was there in surgery when Aaron came in. He watched my husband go through all of that. That is yet another thing I hold dear in my heart. He and his wife came to visit on their R&R, when Aaron was still really bad off. I should have addressed any personal issues I had with anyone more privately before I talked about it publicly.

I never had any intention of making our company look poor in any way. They couldn't have done anything differently or better, and I am completely satisfied with what contact we have received from them. I take it for granted that I obviously wasn't talking about any dissatisfaction with our company down-range. The mistake I made was not devoting the same amount of energy to detailing my happiness with them that I devoted to discussing my fury over the rear-d company. It's pretty negative of me to not spend energy on being positive. I'm working on it.

Spouses get angry at a lot of things all the time, and spout off about it. I have no issues talking about my notification because I haven't said anything that isn't true. If anyone involved has an issue with it, they can address it with me. Obviously, some people I truly care about felt that I was expressing myself with malcontent. I have begun to address this privately and now I am addressing it here. I'm not doing it just to save face. I mean every word: The 760th down range and plenty of their wives back home couldn't have done anything more than they did for me, Aaron, and our families.

I'm angry about a lot of things in this situation, and I come here to vent. It's a personal issue I've been working on for months to only focus on the positive, but when Aaron is hurting or not sleeping again, things start to stew inside of me. I still get mad about everything sometimes. It's easy to tell me (and I tell myself a ton, too) to just get over it. I have been well on my way with that for a while now, but because of my history of being mad it was probably pretty easy to read my notification post as yet another furious tirade. That's a history I wrote for myself and if I want to correct any preconceived notions people might have about why I say what I do, I'm going to have to write a new history for myself, aren't I?

WIA Notification.

2012-02-26T07:52:00.017-05:00

Please read my follow-up post to this matter by clicking on this line.

is but a small blog with a few hundred (awesome) followers but I hope this information reaches those who need it most. As the text message heard around the Army world goes viral, it's time to talk. I don't have much to say about such a horrible KIA notification that hasn't already been said, other than that the soldier who blabbed to his wife and the command who didn't send a proper notification team immediately all deserve to be severely punished. OPSEC isn't just about those down range; it's also about the families back home.

What I can talk to you about is WIA notification. No matter where you are in the deployment, call your rear-d command and contact the down range commander and/or first sergeant about this right now. There are no hard and fast rules for this in the Army, and I don't think it would be uneducated of me to say that there probably aren't for any branch. It's really a command decision. Aaron being EOD meant that our small company didn't have a rear-d, but the at-home battalion company managed these things- an entirely separate company full of people I didn't know. This is not uncommon. Those people could not have done a worse job with my notification if they had tried, but I did receive something a lot of families don't get: a knock. While the person notifying me lied through his teeth about the severity of Aaron's injuries, and his commander told our entire FRG email list about the amputations before I ever found out, at least there was a face in front of me. Larger Army companies regularly do not do this, for whatever jacked-up inhumane reason. My neighbor got the news about her husband when a chaplain down range called her to let her know he had just prayed over her wounded soldier, and while her soldier had all of his limbs he did not know what was wrong with him. I really, truly wish I was joking when I say it took four hours after that for the rear-d command to finally tell her he was paralyzed. That said, your soldier might be the one to tell you of his injuries. If he needs surgery but it isn't life-threatening, you might not hear from him until afterwards. This is the best case scenario, and again a command decision on how long to wait if the wounded is capable of talking. Are we detecting a theme here yet? Command decision. Talk about it.

Regardless of how it's done, an official report must be released before anything can filter in from down range if your soldier isn't conscious and can't tell you, and especially if his wounds are life-threatening. This can be quick or it can take all day. It makes me positively sick to think that about the fact that Aaron's report was delayed because his mortality was in question when he entered surgery. This is a cold, hard fact. Soldiers pass in surgery, or even during the flight to the Landstuhl hospital. This is a "big Army" issue and while it should be a little bit more refined at this point (ya think?!), we all know not to have that expectation.

Here's where it get tricky: who needs to be on-call when it happens, which means another spouse might have to/need to know shortly before you're notified. Should an FRG leader be privy to this information prior to notification? That entirely depends and again, it's a command decision. Wether it's a phone call or a knock, make sure that a chaplain and a care team can be at your house within minutes. Talk about this with your battle buddies and neighbors. I happened to be incredibly close with our FRG leader, and all I needed to say to her was, "I need you here now." She was there all day, and my very best friends filtered in not long afterwards. A mother with two kids, a pregnant woman, a working friend, and my neighbor all made sure I wasn't alone. Do not be alone. Have someone stay with you that night if family can't arrive sooner. Talk about this in depth with the important people. Talk to your spouse and any siblings on how to notify the family. I did not receive a lot of help from my notifier, nor did I know which parent to call first. I called Aaron's little brother, who conferenced called their father. I regret to this day having to tell him so hurriedly. "Adam, Aaron was hurt pretty badly and I don't know which of your parents to call first." That sucked and don't let it happen to you.

If things have gone relatively humanely at this point, the big Army is going to start blowing up your phone not long afterwards. Someone might read you the doctors' notes on your soldier's care and/or immediate surgery. This is hard, but at least it is facts and not speculation. I still stand by the fact that had I received a phone call instead of a knock I at least would have been told Aaron had lost his legs instead of some mamby-pamby bullshit about injury and not knowing what was wrong. Obviously, I will never forgive my notifier for what he did to me, Aaron's family, and mine.

Make sure the rear-d company can be there for you. If you need someone to get your family from the airport, ask for it. Send out an urgent message about pet care. The complete asshat who notified me also told me he "wasn't allowed" to help me, so my friends helped me collect my family from the airport- over an hour away, at nearly midnight. (I later did receive a lot of help in cleaning and closing up my apartment, along with turning in a lot of Aaron's borrowed and left-behind issued gear so we wouldn't get billed. This however was not because of the aforementioned asshat, but other command and good soldiers. So there is that and I am not ungrateful for it).

Find out your branch's policy on family traveling to Germany. The Army, from what I know, flies family over when the soldier has been bumped twice from transfer to the States, or it is known as fact that he need serious care in Germany for some indeterminate amount of time. I was told the worst thing imaginable: I would only go to Germany if Aaron wasn't going to make it. That was and is not true and it took about a dozen phone calls to calm me down after I received word that I would probably go to Germany. Big-Army transportation will not do shit to help you until it's official, so don't expect it. It can happen very fast and change in an instant. The State department will help you get a passport if you need it, but try to have this ready beforehand. Also, each Army soldier gets three family members. If it isn't the given spouse and two parents, talk about who goes. Be realistic- who can go, and who is going to be the most help. It might mean hurting feelings in the heat of the disaster going on and while that must be taken into consideration, do not be afraid to do what's best for you and your spouse. Talk about this with your spouse and his family, for the love of God and Jesus.

If your command is resistant to at least attempting to set a policy for this, keep pushing. Go higher if you have to. You, as a spouse, do not have a command and can call whomever you need to, but again- start from the bottom up. The bottom being, of course, the company commander and rear-d. Do not fry your soldier's reputation with the current company and don't be belligerent, but get this worked out by any reasonable means necessary. It is not a joke, and it can happen to your company. It most likely will happen to someone your husband works with. We are/were very lucky that our actual company command is run by compassionate folks who took every notification seriously and did what they could do from Afghanistan to make sure things were right. It is really a snag in the system that so much is left up to people whom you might not know at all. I know if by time-travel magic that anyone from our company could have been there, they would have.

It is hard to find a specific number, but the rough estimate of current war wounded is around 46,000. The number of Vietnam dead is 58,195. Soldiers are surviving wounds that would have killed them in the past. After over a decade of our current situations, one would think these issues could have been worked out by now. Unfortunately, it isn't the case and there is still a huge human factor in all of this. Some people might think I'm too unforgiving about my notification, but until you've been in my shoes don't judge me. Be reasonable, though- if you don't live near the duty station or are in a Guard/Reserve unit, things are obviously going to go a little differently but you still deserve a compassionate notification with the correct information.

Here's a few words to live by on sharing information about someone else's injured soldier: just wait. Just effing wait, okay? This goes for soldiers and spouses. Don't blow up her phone if you aren't close, don't post to facebook. I had people call me who I knew for a fact didn't like me. They just should have written me a nice email. Just give it a few days. I have posted about others' injuries, but I waited and made sure the family had shared it publicly first. Just because official notification has been made doesn't mean it's time to start tagging a soldier in your Facebook post. I call this "grief mongering" or "grief leaching". "Oh, look at me, I'm posting a prayer for the wounded! I'm calling him a hero. I'm such a good person!" No, you're just an asshole with nothing better to do with your time. Get a hobby. (But do at least write, eventually. It's incredibly rude not to, unless you and the spouse just abhor each other and you both know it).

This is truly the second worst nightmare of any soldier's family, especially when the wounds are eternally life changing. Do what you can to protect yourself from further trauma. Print this out and give it to command. Link it up. Paraphrase me, I don't care. Do not screw around about this. Had I actually found out by email (or text), I would have needed immediate medical care. It is only by the grace of God I did not look at that FRG email when I had the chance. Please do what you can so in case something horrible happens, you get what you deserve.

Next up: fertility and deployment: worth the debt to secure your future attempt at a family.

Lovingly your forced-to-do-it but doing-it-good local,

Yeah, it's a party, alright!

2012-02-25T16:00:00.001-05:00

I spent the afternoon with the warrior mom of the other unit-wounded soldier here. We had a yummy organic breakfast then went on to Fresh Market. On the car ride over, the subject matter of all the events we have here came up. There are a lot of events- from landmark trips, free Friday night dinners, luncheons, massages, hunting, kayaking, skiing, and so on. There are near-daily giveaways of various goodies, and every so often a celebrity comes up. Facebook active folks tend to post a lot about the good stuff, and maybe not so much about the bad stuff. If someone is narrow-minded and ignorant, one might think this is a party here and we're not focusing on recovery enough. I wish I were joking, but it's heat I think every wounded family here has experienced from (not so) well-meaning friends and family back home.

Oh yeah, it's a party. Let me tell you.

There are everyday challenges and set-backs but none of it is Facebook worthy. It's really hard to comprehend how anyone outside of this situation could judge anyone inside of it, but hey- it's been done before (but I quit talking about it). When faced with something like this, something that doesn't really ever get better except for learning how to live it, every chance to forget is an honest blessing. It's worth talking about and sharing, and if someone can control themselves enough to only share the good stuff, then good on them. That person has more control than I do.

There is one teeny, tiny little phrase which could change this world, and I wish more people thought about it. I wish people weren't so angry with themselves that judging other people wasn't such a priority. So anytime you find yourself thinking you could do it better, that your grief or action or support would be more articulate, or thoughtful, or not as drug out, just remember...

There but for the grace of God go I.

Hugs.

2012-02-25T10:18:00.000-05:00

Homecoming is looming and of course we're going; all the wounded currently in treatment are going. All I can think about right now is that I didn't get to hug Aaron for the first month he was in the hospital. His arms were very bandaged up and he was in the hospital bed. It took him getting into the electric wheelchair for me to get that hug. He stiffly wrapped his arms around my waist, and I could look him in the face as he did it. I immediately wept.

Must be nice to run into your soldier's arms after a long deployment.

I don't think I'll ever really be over it.

Sigh. Again. Day Number... infinity.

2012-02-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

My battle buddies came to town! Yesterday was full of yummy food, attempts at day drinking, and a lot of walking. Last night we all had a nice, long drink-y dinner. I had a bit of an anger meltdown and of course it was with the right people. These ladies are just want I needed to gain some perspective back. I've really come to a low point here lately (I'm sure it's just another rut, just another piece of the never-ending puzzle), and I feel a bit saved by my girls.

Aaron is really struggling with this new pain management medicine. I am beginning to think it's a load of shit. He does not sleep. It isn't sleep hygiene habits, it's simply that he's so uncomfortable all of the time. Two nights in a row he has gotten dressed and rolled downstairs to go outside, just to get some air. He has never had to do that before. I think he's having dreams, too- not necessarily bad ones, not really ones he's remembering, but something is screwing with him when he's asleep, too. He can be snoring away and wake so easily from what looks like a deep sleep. Something has got to change. When he doesn't sleep, I don't sleep, either. We're both zombies.

I need to get into some kickboxing, I think. I try to be all zen about this, but I'm perhaps discounting the "get mad" way of dealing with it, too. I've obviously got some issues I need to work out.

This just sucks. His legs aren't coming back (go figure). His hands won't magically start working like they did before. We're going to have two steps forward and three back lulls in recovery, and we're going to be here a good long while. There's no real getting better has much as there is getting used to it. Adapt or die, right? My little motto. I don't know how much it's helping lately.

Something went horribly, horribly wrong about five months ago and it isn't getting better. I'm not ungrateful for what we have, I'm just really pissed at how this all turned out. I didn't want to have a special deployment. I want to take it all back and have an ordinary deployment, for the love of gods. Aaron really hurt my feelings a lot arguing about money over Gchat, and I'd go back to that in a heartbeat. It sucks that so few Americans have to deploy to keep the rest of the country safe and that in and of itself makes deployment special in American society. But for military society, it isn't special; I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's hard, it sucks, you do it. Mental problems, PTSD, TBI are very real injures so that, too, makes deployment special. But usually- and just that, usually- everyone coems back relatively okay and you move on.

Marital issues aren't hard for me because either you do what it takes to work it out or you decide that it's best to move on. I have little patience for people who allow their spouses to treat them poorly because it isn't that hard. Get counseling or don't. Figure it out or not. But if you have a "regular" experience and everyone tries to work it back out, you've got more than anyone here at the hospital has. So I suppose what I'm saying is that life isn't all that hard on a day-to-day basis. We make it hard. I'm sure I'm making this harder than it needs to be, but that's the fun human factor in all of this.

There is no structure or beauty to this post. I am a much better writer than this and I promise, at some point in the near-ish future, I will return to that. I hang on to the beauty that is my husband, friends, and family with all I have because well, it's all I've got lately.

I'll get better at this. I'll get good at it, and own it, and be happy all the time again and okay that Aaron's missing legs and fingers. I am the warrior wife. I'm just going to pack up my weapons and sulk in the tent on the edge of the battlefield for a bit. I'll come back out fighting soon enough (probably after homecoming, which is whole other ball of mental goodness...)

A bit of everything.

2012-02-17T09:43:00.002-05:00

Aaron's mother has been here all week, feeding us and keeping things running while I have immersed myself in schoolwork and other projects. It's been pretty nice to live like a kid again.

Speaking of schoolwork, learning at 30 is not easy. There is a very good reason people knock this college mess out before 25. I seem to be doing okay, and only one of my classes concerns me. It has taken me about three weeks to figure out a schedule that doesn't involve hitting "enter" five minutes before midnight. I might just pull this off.

Aaron came off all his nerve and pain meds last week and started Suboxone. It's an alternative use of the drug, and apparently once the transition is over everything should be ponies and rainbows. I, of course, am holding out my judgement. I am not sure there are any ponies and and rainbows left for me here, but I am not going to kill them all off just yet. Maybe they just wandered away for a bit, or found new owners.

I'm feeling better. Emotionally and physically. I think I've entered into some acceptance of this place and circumstance. We're here, we're definitely going to be here for awhile, and I need to get over it. Aaron's recovery has hit a lull and we're both feeling it. This is going to be a long, long process with a lot of slow parts and even steps backwards. We just have to laugh while we can, and enjoy the good parts. Nothing like a little amputee humor to get you through the day.

Happy Love Vomit Cuteness Day!

2012-02-14T16:04:00.002-05:00

Love Conquers All. Throughout the past five months I have grown only closer to Aaron. Deployment kicked our asses and we were going to need some help when he returned. Instead, we got what we got, but we've turned it into something beautiful. At less than 2 years in, before kids, a house, and all the other ordinary things life brings, I know where we stand. I know what we can do. I know that we're limitless. So, not just today (greeting card day that it is), but everyday- I'm a hell of a happy woman.

A lot of things have gone wrong in my life, or I've taken the long and stubborn way "home". But this man and this life, I got this 110% right. I wouldn't turn back for the world.

Take it back.

2012-02-13T17:16:00.003-05:00

The other night I found myself in bed, cuddled tight against Aaron, begging the creator of the universe to take it all back. I want the past five months to disappear. I want him to have his legs and fingers back. I want the scars to vanish. I want him whole, and still in Afghanistan. I want to be at Fort Drum, preparing for his homecoming. I want it all to go back where it came from, and we can pretend the whole thing didn't happen. I'll even make a deal for it.

Five months. I don't even know where it went. We're been here almost as long as he was deployed. Recovering, adjusting. I had a mini-meltdown today because yet again, a doctor's appointment ran long and I had to miss something I had been really excited about- a 90 minute hot stone massage, gifted by The Yellow Ribbon Fund. Nine o'clock came and went, with me feeling stupid for even thinking I could accomplish that appointment. I should know better by now. If Aaron has any appointments, I shouldn't try to do a thing within 3 hours of that time. His mom is even here helping out this week, and I still missed something.

I can't even begin to wonder where this road is going to take us. I'm feeling frustrated with the whole situation lately, but then again I've been on a steroid pack so who knows where all of these feelings are coming from or if they're even valid. I just want things to go smoothly at some point. Everything from a broken soda machine (which the front desk duty troops don't care about) to craptastic internet to showers that flood and the lack of a wheelchair ramp in the parking lot. Just everything. I hope it passes soon, and I go back to the land of "everything's great". Well, almost everything.

I just want to take it all back and return to being a normal couple. Deploy, come home- most military families get to experience that cycle, yet we didn't even go through it once. I am beginning to feel that deployment isn't anything special. It's special in the grand scheme of our country, but not for the military family culture. It sucks, it's hard, we get through it and they come home. I'm not going to ever think that deployment is the worst thing to go through. If that's the hardest circumstance you face in your married life, then good on you.

I'll get over it. It just isn't always easy to only see the bright side.

Today was... well, today!

2012-02-11T21:43:00.002-05:00

The Wounded EOD Warrior Foundation had its annual polar bear plunge this morning. I'll never be able to unsee grown men in Hooters outfits, speedos, tutus, and penguin outfits. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, here it is... speechless.

Still here.

2012-02-10T11:45:00.002-05:00

Nothing like paying $260 out-of-pocket to see an orthopedist PA, but it was worth it. I'm taking steroids to try and calm the nerve down. I will also seek massage and acupuncture care next week. I'm sending in my application for US Family Health Plans so I can start receiving a different kind of care on March 1. I know there are just as many bad civie doctors as there on at MTFs, but I'll take my chances. I hope I never have another reason to be treated at this hospital ever again. Aaron got so mad he managed to get his hands on a "patient resolution" person. We'll see. I frankly don't think things can change around here. It is what it is and all we can do is take care of ourselves. I feel blessed and lucky that I could afford to pay for decent care when I needed it, instead of entering the PCM-referral process that we all know and love.

I'm not knocking TriCare as a whole. I've seen it work. But it didn't work for me, and the TriCare standard in this hospital is "get them out as quickly as possible". Throw meds at me, watch me sob in pain, but don't dare try to figure out why I'm actually hurting. Assholes.

I know it's my choice to seek outside care and deal with those potential (financial) consequences, so I'm not even going to bitch about taking that on. Emergent care at Bethesda initally failed me and I had no other choice but to go to another ER. Try and make me pay for that ER visit.

I don't eve know what non-spouse caregivers do for medical care. I guess you just hope it's nothing serious and the noncommittal attitude of the hospital doesn't actually hurt you. It's just like the lump of asphalt in the parking lot, in lieu of an actual wheelchair ramp- it works until someone gets really hurt. Then all of a sudden, it's priority and no one knew.

As for right now, I think something is up with the ovarian cyst. We'll see. I'll pop some pain meds and get a ride to Sibley. NOT going back into Bethesda ER, that's for sure.

I wander if I could do an ICE complaint drive in the lobby? Hmm.....

Until the next time, I am still the (slightly injured and still pissed off)-

Update on me.

2012-02-08T19:16:00.005-05:00

Well, I have all I needed to know to change my health care option from TriCare to off-post. It all began yesterday.

I was overall pretty disturbed that the gynecologist wasn't interested in an ultrasound/sonogram with any expediency. She could tell me it was a large cyst but didn't want to know what kind or the size. I was told to make an ultrasound appointment through radiology, and if I went off post I needed to make sure she got the results. After the ultrasound, I could schedule another appointment with her office, so I'm looking at about a week to get everything to a point so it could be worked out. She prescribed me birth control and Flexeril, but only after I asked for pain medication. Motrin 800 (ranger candy) had not been cutting it for a few days. My back was hurting more than it ever had before. Also, an intern examined me first. He didn't even tell me he was an intern until he came back with the doc and nurse. It was like a party in my vagina, I guess, since he didn't know what he found (the cyst) and the doc needed to get a feel. And the nurse was looking over their shoulders the whole time. Weird but okay. I would've said yes if they had just asked!

I decided to go into the ER because the back pain (in the sciatic nerve area on the right side, same side as the cyst) had reached an unbearable point. I didn't know if it was from the cyst or something entirely different. I suspected it was something different, but without any knowledge on the cyst or the back pain a conclusion couldn't be made. I had to leave the ER after checking in to go get Aaron, since they didn't have a hospital phone book to look up the rehab desk number. Cell phones do not work in most of the hospital, especially the rehab area, so I knew it was fruitless to call him. Walking was utterly painful at this point.

I was triaged in the ER; blood pressure, temperature, and weight all accounted for. I then went back to a room and waited. And waited. Eventually, a "doctor" came in. I say this because i don't know if she was a med student or an actual doctor. This is a teaching hospital, so it's hard to tell. Anyway, she started asking me the exact same questions the triage nurse had. I asked her if she had my chart. She said yes, but that she liked to be thorough. I told her all my answers were the same since nothing had changed within the past hour. She then asked me a few questions about my leg, lifted it, asked more questions and then left. I had told her about the preliminary cyst diagnosis and lack of ultrasound. At this point, I WAS in tears. The pain was just awful. She told me that there won't be any tests run since it was clear to her my cyst had not ruptured. The back pain wasn't even addressed, probably because she was attributing it to the cyst. She offered intravenous medication but at that point I just wanted to leave. No one was going to make any attempt to find out just exactly what was wrong with me, and I was over it. She asked what medication I wanted and I told her I didn't care. Narcotics make me nauseous as all hell but I was in pain. She called in Tramadol to the pharmacy and that was that for the ER. No referral about the back pain, just told to follow-up with my primary. The ER does not act treat illness, but is only interested in pain management with medicine. Got it.

I was so upset at this point and I didn't know what to do. The appointment hotline was always busy and I didn't even know who my primary doctor was. I had not not needed medical care before, other than ER trip for a migraine (in which I was way over medicated, but no surprise there). A family member took me to a local civilian hospital (Sibley). I was put on a stretcher and told to relax. The doctor came in and ordered an ultrasound/sonogram and X-rays. The sonogram and ultrasound showed a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst, 4.5cm by 3.3cm. Anything over 5cm is an actual concern for torsion. I was referred to a gyno, and given stronger pain meds. The X-rays came back clean, meaning that I needed an MRI to find out what was wrong with my back. That couldn't be done there on an emergency basis, but I was referred to an orthopedist, as well. My cousin is a radiologist doc and is willing to help me out with whatever he can, too. Thank God.

I went to the good- no, great- gyno in question today, armed with the report and ultrasound disc. He confirmed the finding and we talked about what the plain of action should be. We also discussed the back pain, which he (and the Sibley ER doc) believes is a different issue, and then sent me to a very good orthopedist. I go see that office tomorrow.

I just don't understand how the gynecologist nor the ER doctor could just pass on trying to figure out what was really wrong with me. I made it pretty clear how much pain I was in and what type. It was just washed up to "cyst pain" but nothing was really getting done about that, either. I also find it hard to believe that a gyno's office doesn't have ultrasound machine and tech on hand. It was so disheartening and frustrating to feel as though no one was interested in figuring out what was going on. I have a husband to take care of, a wheelchair to lift, a household to tend to- and I need to do this without all of this unbearable pain.

The hospital here might be okay for other people, or maybe I'm a fluke (probably not). I don't know. We all know the statistics of military care, though. I really tried to appreciate the TriCare here at the hospital, I did. But they failed me at every turn. I'm changing to US Family Health Plan (John Hopkins for this region) tomorrow and not looking back.

Thanks for listening. Hope you're all well.

Me.

2012-02-06T19:15:00.002-05:00

I finally went to the gynecologist today because I thought I had an infection. The good news is that I most likely don't.

The bad news is that I have what seems to be a huge cyst on my right ovary, which is causing me to have some pretty-near excruciating back pain. I started to cry when the doctor told me I couldn't exercise much or make sudden movements. I am going to take a wild guess here and conclude that lifting a wheelchair counts as something I shouldn't be doing. I'm not going in for an ultrasound until Friday (yay for TriCare, bad for taking so long) and frankly I don't know what the course of action is going to be. I was given birth control pills but that's about it.

I know that the pain can't get much worse without me melting down and pitching a toddler sized fit. My back hurts. I am taking Motrin and Flexeril for it, but it honestly doesn't do much good. I can't decide between walking or sitting being the most problematic. Help is on the way this weekend; I just don't know what to do until then. This pain has been building for about tow weeks now. We'll see how it goes.

This is exactly what I don't need. I don't even know how to cope without bursting into tears. I'm here to help my husband, and now I can't do as well as I need to be doing. This just sucks.

Start of my day.

2012-02-06T08:01:00.001-05:00

I see the sky lighten up over the tower at Bethesda. I can peek out one of two windows at night and catch the MEDEVAC helicopters roaring in with a life in danger.

And I can hear him sleep. His body tries so hard to rest, but it has yet to be consistently fruitful. He snores, turns, and slides his arm onto me. It isn't until the day is about to begin that he finally reaches some type of meaningful slumber. He steals a few hours before I open the curtains and take the covers away. If I could, I would let him slumber all morning so he could feel better in the afternoon.

But he still holds me tightly, every morning, and fights his groggy mind to tell me sweet things or give me something funny. And I'll take it, every time.

Worried Mind.

2012-02-03T15:22:00.000-05:00

"And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do.
The jury's out, but my choice is you.
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine.
And life makes love look hard-
The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours."

My husband is amazing. I know this is what he was trying to tell me about a month ago, when nastiness reared its ugly head. People are always going to try and bring you down, no matter what it is you're doing well. Someone is always going to perversely jealous of your situation, albeit how effed up it really is.

We will sunshine our way out of this. And I have to think that of course people would be jealous of what I have with Aaron. We have by far one of the best marriages I've ever seen!

On Occasion...

2012-02-02T21:58:00.000-05:00

This is a lot.
It can be too much.
And I admit I wasn't ready for it.
But I've done it, and done it good and proud for nearly 5 months now. I added school to it, with the support of my husband.
But then he had hand surgery.
And the laundry piled up. And the unanswered emails. Throw in everything. My poor husband has learned to dread, "I'll take care of it", because he knows it means I am frustrated. My list is too long for the next three tomorrows and there is still stuff to do on each of those days.

I read the trials of mothers and I feel like I can truly relate.

I just want to know I have all the time in the world to take care of it all, to actually take care of it, and maybe get a little help while doing it. Then I can have more time to be romantic with my husband, more than "on occasion". I want to be lovey, and cuddle, and all of that. But I sit down, zapped already, and read some more. Or zone out. Or anything else but be lovey.

It's just a lot, on occasion.

Today was one of those days.

We do not have problems today.

2012-01-31T10:04:00.000-05:00

How children grow angel wings I will never understand. But Lily's work was done, and she will be there to greet her mother, uncles, aunt, and grandparents when the time has come for them to join her. 3 months on Earth... just enough time to eternally change everyone who held her. One of her uncles is a very good friend of mine, and I hope to find the words to console him.

We do not have problems today.

Puppy Plea!

2012-01-30T10:08:00.000-05:00

BRING PHOENIX HOME!

Some of the guys in Aaron's company have spent 10 months caring for this lovable female pup. They've done their research to find out what it will take to get their lady love Stateside. It's $3,500. Phoenix has made her way to a shelter in Kabul to prepare for the trip home. If nothing else, please share this around the world. Any pet lover knows that $3,500 is a relatively small amount to keep a family together. I know that I couldn't have survived deployment without my two pups, and I can't imagine what this dog did for the guys over there. As it seemed that fellow comrades were picked off one by one with serious injury, I am sure Phoenix provided a lot of comfort. Facebook friend and donate links are on the blog page. If you can't donate- just share this. THANK YOU!

Letting Go. (Again).

2012-01-26T00:07:00.002-05:00

This is the last post I will write about how certain things went down when I first found out about Aaron's injury, and the subsequent weeks. It has been four months and 18 days since life went squirrel-y. He was deployed a total of 5 months and 14 days before he was hit, and as I near that mile marker for recovery, I have to let go. It's hard- so much of my life has been surviving various terrible and negative experiences that I never learned to move on. I learned to accept and survive, which is different and not as healthy. Nearly 30 years old and still struggling, but I'm not ashamed. We never stop learning, do we?

Dear Notifier,
I know you know you botched my notification. Botched would be an understatement, actually. You possibly could not have done worse if you tried. And when you had the chance to apologize for what you did to me and Aaron's family, you instead talked about how you'd been helping us all along, how you did me a favor by knocking on my door instead of letting the Big Army call me. At least the Big Army would have told me about his injuries up front, instead of making a personal decision not to. When you made that decision, you obviously didn't wonder who was going to tell me. Thankfully, it was someone who is kind, who knew me, and felt a whole lot of pain while doing it. So frankly, you suck. You're sort of a terrible person to me and it's a sad affair that you're a leader in the military. I will never forget you, and I mean that in the most negative sense. You are a black mark on my life; in my darkest hour, you made it worse. I know you don't know this, and I know it doesn't matter- but writing this has helped me feel better, and now I feel like I can forget as much about you as possible. I am glad there will never be another occasion in which we will need to speak.

Dear Absent Officer,
I actually don't have much of a personal problem with you. Facts are facts, though. You sent someone to notify me and assumed that happened. For whatever reason, you chose not to call me that day. Maybe it's because you had no idea who I was. Maybe you didn't feel any obligation whatsoever to call the spouse, which is fine. Again, not personal. But fact is, you didn't double check and you are solely responsible for notifying our unit's entire FRG email list of my husband's injuries before me, therefore delaying notifying others who loved Aaron. I think you know this, and that's why you did try very hard to help me with other tough business in your final days in your position. I will always appreciate that, even if I won't ever forget that you were completely negligent with my notification. I know you thought the job had been done when you wrote that email. Not your fault there. The email was inappropriate, and you should have called me first. You made a decision that I didn't deserve to have any say in what you wrote about my husband's injuries. I only and simply thank God I didn't read it, or that his parents weren't on that list. You might have been responsible for a medical emergency had that happened. Thanks for what you tried to do, and I hope you learned from it. We're good.

Dear Big Army Lady On The Phone,
I would tell your children that you're a terrible person. Because of your bad information, I thought I'd only go to Germany if Aaron wasn't coming home. That was not true and is not Army policy, but it took about a dozen phone calls to convince me that actually going to Germany didn't mean my husband was dying. I flipped out completely because you were lazy at your job. Please go do something else. Anything else. Just nothing to do with people. You suck, too. A lot.

Dear FIRST Nurse Case Manager,
We both know telling me to "just deal with it" was possibly the worst choice of words possible on my third or fourth day with my husband in ICU. I am sure it was as bad a day for you as it was for me, and that you're equally happy that we don't have to deal with each other further. I heard you're good with soldiers but not with us, the "others", the families- so consider that the next time you need to change positions. No worries.

Dear Wound Vacuum Machines,
Your beeping could induce an anxiety attack in this woman (and my husband). I would love to skeet shoot the lot of you off the hospital roof. A few nurses would join me. Even though it's been months since I heard your little noise, I can still hear it in my head. (This one is a dual-edged sword because I know the wound vacs do great things, but when those things don't work, it's hell. I promise.)

Dear Building People,
I love our apartment. I really do. I don't love things slowly falling apart (new building, first year, it happens), or that the trash dumpster is as far away as it could possibly be, and not handicap accessible in any way whatsoever. A lump of asphalt off the curb is NOT a wheelchair ramp, as well. Please do this wonderful building justice and get stuff right. Did any one of you at any point sit in a wheelchair and attempt to do everything in this building those wounded must do? Anyone?

-------------------

I guess that's about it. It all comes down to negativity. I was reading this psychology article on the science of letting go. It's not something I ever learned in childhood or after, so I'm working hard on it now. Do I just want to say my peace? Be heard by someone who actually helps? Does it even really matter? I do feel better after writing this. I just want the optional negativity out. There's enough on this journey as it is. There's even some in the future we know will come, so I'm trying to clean house now. I don't want to hear it, see it, smell it, or taste it. I don't want phone calls from people to talk about anything negative. I'm just not in that place right now, for whatever reason. And to sign off, I'm going to dedicate some space to the good things I've experienced:

Friends who were there for me immediately.
A unit full of soldiers who have reached out to Aaron and me.
The Wounded EOD Warrior Foundation and the family it has brought us.
Good relationships with my family and Aaron's.
Strangers- complete strangers- who have supported us in a dozen different and wonderful ways.
The medical care Aaron has received.
The apartments on hospital grounds provided for us.
Our current nurse case manager and the next one to come.
Our love.

And after THAT list, I do feel better! Love Conquers All!

Be. Nice!

2012-01-25T09:53:00.002-05:00

I've been feeling all after-school special-y lately. Well, in my own special way. Think: BE EFFING NICE, PEOPLE. I just don't understand why some people intentionally reach out to be rude, mean, and cruel. I can't imagine judging someone for something they can't help- like illness or sexuality. I don't believe in hating on certain group of people because one of those kinds of people hurt me or someone I love. When I encounter someone like that, my first thought is to be understanding: Obviously the hatin' person experienced something wholly negative with X, and since I don't know what it's like I won't judge his or her entire character.

Don't get me wrong, I have spent a good portion of my life being angry. The last near-five months (FIVE MONTHS, HOLY CRAP) have been chock full of really angry moments. I can't remember what it was, but I was having to deal with some entity that wasn't being nice. I deliberately waited until I was pissed off about something else to make a phone call. I guess my knee-jerk reaction to a difficult and rude situation is to fight back. "Oh yeah? Wanna be rude? FINE. I WIN." Everyone has their rough days. I try to keep it to myself, take my meds, and drink a glass of wine. Or just sit in silence. More than once I've told my husband that we're going to be quiet for awhile so I can sit and stew. It happens.

So, I bought the first thing that has to do with a baby: a basal thermometer. Nope, we're not trying. I mean, we're practicing (BIG GRIN) but as long as he's on testosterone we aren't trying. We won't be trying until he's been off the T for about 3-6 months and his swimmers have been tested to see if we should even "try". But, I figure I might as well find out everything I can about my stuff. Aaron wants to spend a few months trying naturally if the numbers are in our favor. I'm a little more realistic/pessimistic about it, mainly because hope kills so I try not to engage in banking on a good turn of events in our favor. The ability to have children is never guaranteed to any of us, but it definitely sucks when you have to walk the path of alternative methods to become parents. I have accepted that IVF is most likely going to be a part of our process and I'm okay with that. But yay for me figuring my junk out so when and if it's time to rumble, I'll be ready!

I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their lives at the moment. A smile can go a long way- give one away today!

2012-01-21T01:08:00.000-05:00

I can hear Aaron snoring in the bedroom. I stayed up late to get a few things done without hearing my name called 15 times an hour. Today was a little rough, with anxiety high for both of us. I think I'm also transitioning emotional- again- to a new place and that has me feeling a little rocky. I can all too easily recall the early days of this new life. People remind me how far I've come. I just feel so lucky, so blessed, every single day.

I don't ever want another day without that face in front of mine. He's the best person I know and the only life I want is the one with him in it.

Whiner-B-Gone!

2012-01-19T13:19:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it was about last night's sleep- because it wasn't that good- but I woke up feeling like I've been a real whiny loser lately! I'm not being too hard on myself- I know it's true. It's so easy to let the frustrations, pain, and annoyances of this place get to me. It kind of builds up, then something really unnecessary happens and I blow a gasket. Yesterday, I did all the things I needed to do to register for school only to find out there was something stupid holding my account. I just lost it. I was still upset about some nastiness hurled my way, too- a week ago.

But then dinner happened. The Wounded EOD Warrior Foundation had everyone out to a local Mexican place- their treat. There were families, babies, girlfriends, and friends. Aaron's battalion commander and sergeant major had come down and joined us, as well. It was just such a good evening to shoot the shit with these people. Then Aaron and I went out with Kiel, another wounded from the company. I learned a lot listening to those guys talk.

I let depression into my life for a little while and I'm glad to send it on its way. I let someone else's negativity affect me, and I'm stupid for doing that. I guess I am just more sensitive to things now. It's not that one particular person matters enough to upset me, it's the whole ugly act that ruined a few days for me. It's also a lack of understanding on my part, as well. I don't know what it's like to take a deployment so negatively, so difficultly, that the only way I can feel better is to harass a wounded unit soldier and his wife even after being asked repeatedly to stop. I don't know what it's like to read a sentence on a blog written by the wife of an amputee, who has greeted two more unit comrades at the hospital, and take it so personally I can't function without telling her exactly what I think of her, or provoking her husband to agree with me. That has got to be a rough and depressing deployment existence and I absolutely don't know what that's like. So even though I will never excuse the behavior because we're all adults here, I can at least say that I don't know what it's like to be her; therefore, I don't know where her vitriol comes from, so I won't judge her personality or character. I would definitely never call her a dishonor to the unit and her husband.

I realize I talk a lot about what it's like for me to be here, as if it's unique and special. It comes off as indignant, maybe. Like I expect a medal. I don't think I'm doing anything that any loving wife wouldn't do. There is nothing extraordinary going on here. I guess I keep talking about it because I don't know if people understand or not. At four months of writing this, living it, taking it in and letting it all out, people either get that they don't understand or they don't. I can't keep going on about how life is different here. It is what it is, and I am going to approach it as just life. It's a beautiful one, too.

Aaron just rolled in from driving class and let me know that he blew the instructor away. I am so proud of him. Looks like we'll be car shopping soon enough!!!! And i'm off to be VERY NICE to the college people so they can fix my account, and I can finally register. I WILL BE NICE, I WILL BE NICE... ;)

Waiting. And then some more stuff.

2012-01-18T10:51:00.001-05:00

Well, it looks like my Military Spouse of the Year nomination was a fluke. I was nominated, and my name was on the web site, but I didn't make the final five. I wasn't sure that I was the right spouse for the job, anyway. I live in a gritty, honest world and we all know only the pretty and triumphant tend to grace those pages. Aaron and I are triumphant every day, but we haven't quite "arrived" yet. So I'm all good!

Yesterday just took it out of me. I went with Aaron to a few of his appointments, and it was just wait, wait, wait. And of course no one tells you it takes 1.5 hours to process paperwork, or an hour to fill two prescriptions on that pharmacy (Aaron has a "warrior card" that puts him ahead of the thick at the pharmacy to prevent that, but whatever). Sometimes, it's just all stupid. We came home and had about half an hour before dinner, and I just sat down and didn't say a word. Aaron missed his most important appointments- PT/OT- because of BS and it was just so frustrating. But we all know how it is- that's the way it's always been, so that's the way it'll always be! Why fix what's broken but everybody still engages?!

You know, I try not to let mean and crazy people live rent-free in my head but sometimes it's hard to shake being angry and frustrated that you've been judged by people who honestly have no clue what your life is like. It's not that it hurts; it's just infuriating. I feel like it's almost as if someone is ungrateful for what is going on here. Not just me, but all the families here. We count pills, attend appointments, give injections, carry limbs, treat wounds, pick up dropped things that can't be reached by a man in a wheelchair, do all the housekeeping, forget to feed ourselves some days- the list goes on. Some of us might not ever conceive a child because of the injuries. And we do all this for your soldier's wounded comrade. It's not just my husband, it's the soldier yours served with. I'm taking damn good care of him. I just honestly don't understand how someone could call me a dishonor to my husband and his unit. Perhaps it's indignant of me, but I don't think anyone has any business judging a damn thing I say until the bottom of their shoes look like mine. No one else's opinion really matters so much to me that I'm going to think of every single person as I write and say the things I do, anyway. I'm sharing my journey, and everyone can take it or leave it. Don't get your feelings hurt- it's not personal.

Three months ago I was burning up the ground between the Navy Lodge and the hospital, and it felt like hell. Two months ago we were discharged from the hospital and put into our little apartment on hospital grounds, and it was overwhelming and beautiful and beyond difficult. A month ago we were getting ready to go home for Christmas, something we didn't even think was going to be possible. This is one hell of journey we're on, with its emotional ups and downs. Deployment was rough, no doubt. But I'd give anything to be back in those shoes instead of these. But this is the path we were put on, and we're going to own it. We are going to be the best we'll ever be, and blaze away from here in about year. It's changing me and him all the time, and at the end of the day I will always say this: I am lucky to be here with him.

2012-01-15T13:44:00.001-05:00

I recently reviewed everything I posted online about Aaron's incident, since the day I received my knock. Man, I've been a lot of places emotionally! I've recently come to a point where I don't want to talk about my notification anymore, or our first few days and weeks here at the hospital. There's a lot inside of me still waiting to get out about those harrowing moments, but progress and adjustment have finally come along our way.

I live at a hospital. My street address is the same as Walter Reed National Military Medical Center's (mostly referred to simply as "Bethesda"). I am not yet comfortable having to be anywhere away from Aaron, so I'm not going attend college classes this term, but take them online. I live in generous government housing on hospital grounds. I'm learning about DC area driving and what places to avoid (I'm looking at you, Georgetown and 495 around Falls Church).

Aaron goes to physical therapy and occupational therapy every day. I usually join him, unless I feel that I need to get caught up on housework or various other errands. I feel grateful everyday that I wake up next to him, and know that we're not getting out of bed until we've adequately cuddled.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that simply, this has become life. It's home now. This doesn't feel weird. Seeing a group of triple amputees drag each other on the floor by electric wheelchairs was just funny and not "wow, that's odd" funny. Just funny. Just being part of it.

I will never know who I was going to be had this not happened to Aaron. I can't remember too much about ourselves from "before"- he's so honestly positive and has the best sense of humor about it all that I suppose I think he's always been this way. Or at least, this is the man I love. After a bit of deployment drama, he sat in the tub and talked about what was good about deployment: "Having babies is good. People getting married is good. Coming home is good. We should focus on these things." It was just so simple and true, I could have cried.

I'm in a good place with my husband and family and those who are truly my friends. I was a regular Army EOD wife for 18 months, and now I'm a warrior wife for my hero husband. I'm good, folks. Doing just fine.

Roll Tide!!!!

2012-01-08T17:16:00.001-05:00

We made it!!!! Aaron was a trooper with all the airport business. I did pretty well managing all the bags! While I will never agree with or support TSA policies and practices, everyone was as respectful as they could be. Delta was excellent with us, too.

The hotel isn't in the best part of town and all the fast food joints sketch me out, so I hit up a Family Dollar across the street. Sure, it's all processed, but I know what's not in it!!!

Roll Tide!!! We're so lucky to be here!!!

Not A Real Problem...

2012-01-07T22:15:00.000-05:00

It's wonderful that we were gifted the BCS Bama/LSU tickets. We were always going to say yes. I just wish I knew how to plan better! I should have just bought the "expensive" airfare in and out of New Orleans. Even though the price seemed crazy, it would have prevented a lot of headache and extra dollars spent. I had to cancel our original arrival flight because it went into Houston. See, the first plan was to fly into Houston and stay with friends, rent a car, then drive over for the game the day of (kickoff isn't until 730pm). We would somehow get to the game. Then drive out Tuesday back to Houston, stay with friends again, and fly out. The Houston airfare was about $400 total versus the direct NOLA airfare of $800. Since the car was going to be dropped off in the same place it was picked up, we were getting a great deal of $20 per day. Well, we got handicap accessible seating but it came with a change in plans- we had to be at the Superdome by noon. So, I canceled the flight into Houston, eating $150. At least we got the other $90 back. One-way into NOLA is $400. Add a night at the hotel at about $200. Pay for a one way car rental, $89. Schedule a car to take us from the Superdome back to the hotel- $160 because traffic is going to be that bad. We could have just gambled on a taxi, but this place is going to be nuttier than any Mardi Gras I've ever been to. At least I get to see some long lost friends in Houston, and attend a once-in-a-lifetime game (two SEC teams- including my Bama- in the BCS bowl!). I'm so, so grateful. It's just always something, though. A lot of this has developed so last minute. At least one friend is willing to dedicate her game day morning to taking us to the stadium. Since we were gifted the tickets so late in the game, everything has been astronomical. The only reason we have the transportation after the game is because one company was willing to put out their wheelchair van (and my cousin called 8 other places). At least we can stay for the whole game. When it was looking like a cab was our only choice, we were going to dip out early. Safety reasons- I think this is going to be the most unsafe football game of the last century.

So, there's a lot of "at least" in there, which makes it all worth it. The price of the trip is still less than what 1 ticket is going for on Stub Hub. Right now- and I mean in this current moment- I'm just a little taxed. I've done a lot of calling and asking around, and had some help. Argh. I am glad we will take a break from traveling when we return on Wednesday.

I really am grateful. I am spoiled rotten to be about to drop $1500 on this trip (before gas, tips, and food). Spoiled. Rotten. But it doesn't mean I don't get stressed... and I still have to pack! Roll Tide!

Welcome back to me!

2012-01-05T21:17:00.000-05:00

Annnnnd.... we're back! The two weeks back in Alabama was wonderful. We had a good dose of family and best friends. Of course, it went by entirely too quickly and now we're back to the grind. Well, not for long...

We're going to the BCS Championship game! We're both born and bred Alabama fans (I attended the university, as well) and are so excited to be given this opportunity. Seats 4 Soldiers donated the tickets to us. They saw the CNN clip in which Aaron was wearing a "Roll Tide" t-shirt and decided to help us start our year off right. It's been a process on working accommodations in NOLA out so close to the game, but everything finally worked out today. We're just glad the hotel had room for an extra night.

Aaron also grew 5 inches his first day back. His legs now have knees that bend so he can wear them in his wheelchair, and wear them longer. Even being back for less than 24 hours has progress.

This year, I'm letting go. I'm letting go of all the hurt from last year. I'm letting go of not-friends, a horrible injury notification, and the anger that came with our current situation. Aaron is the most positive person I have ever known, we have the best marriage I've ever seen (although I might be partial), and we both have incredible support systems. I don't have a good reason to be negative or angry anymore. At least, not to the extent that it upsets my everyday.

So until next time, Roll Tide from Walter Reed National Military Medical Center!

Obligatory New Year's Post.

2011-12-31T02:05:00.000-05:00

2011 needs to be left in the dust. Husband and his unit deployed, and so far 5 have been injured- 3 quite critically and life-changing. September 7 will always be a scar on my heart. My very sweet neighbor from New York is now at Bethesda, learning to care for her paralyzed husband. One of the best friends I'll ever have died tragically and suddenly four days after Aaron's incident. This year sucked.

But honestly... I leave this year feeling very blessed. Aaron is recovering faster than I could have ever hoped and dreamed. I have a bond with my family and his I never imagined. I have one of the deepest and most meaningful marriages I've ever seen (not to toot my own horn or anything). I'll be 30 in 2012, and I welcome it with open arms (and a newly pierced nose).

Suck it, 2011. 2012, the bar has been set pretty low but I really do think great things are going to happen.

First Kiss.

2011-12-29T00:07:00.001-05:00

Good for them!!!! I'm just sad it's such news. People kissing shouldn't be such a huge deal.

Love Conquers All.

Welcome home...

2011-12-24T19:04:00.001-05:00

... and what a homecoming it was! 2000 people waited at the regional airport to greet us. It was a freaking parade! Patriot Guard Riders, Santa, a police escort. Aaron received the true hero's welcome all of our wounded deserve. Not one to let anyone down, he put his legs on and toddled off the tarmac into the hangar. CNN had sent a cameraman to chronicle our journey, and there was another one waiting for us in Alabama. I am not sure I can ever articulate how much December 22nd has changed my life, but until then I'll let the pros tell the story. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Alabama 13 Story

Fox 6 Story

ABC 33/40 Story

Anniston Star Story

And yes.. even a CNN story. This was on the Headline News channel, and might still be running.

Also, here is the Facebook page for the Veterans Airlift Command, which flew us home "for free". I put that in quotations because generous airplane owners eat the costs of the flight themselves, and pilots donate their time and skills. This is not a cheap thing to do, and we are so eternally grateful for the trip home.

Awkward.

2011-12-20T09:36:00.002-05:00

So I just wrote this wreck of ex on Facebook to basically let him know I'm in the area so that when we run into each other (which we will) and his wife who hates me is in tow (which will happen) he won't be an ass. I think I'd rather he ignore me, but it's even more awkward to actually say that. It's not that I worry about it that much, but just that I'd rather not have a really tense moment, ever. I have had plenty of those the last three months.

So, I thought that was a little funny. "Hi, heads up, I'm around and just didn't want anyone to freak out when we run into each other at the most awkward moment possible. Hope you're great!"

It happens.

The Ride Over.

2011-12-14T10:59:00.002-05:00

I took a US Airways flight to Germany on September 11th. I had gone from Watertown to Albany to DC, where the State department issued me a passport on Sunday. On the 10th anniversary of the day that started it all.

I went to the USO center at Dulles and a volunteer walked me through security and down to the gate. She spoke to someone behind the desk and I boarded last. I found myself sitting in business class, wearing a pink "Bomb Squad" t-shirt, next to a nice German businessman.

I had pictures from last Christmas. Aaron had grown a goatee and his eyes were sparkling. I cried to myself because I was terrified he would never look at me like that again. One of the flight attendants, also a psychologist, prayed while I wept.

I had never been more scared in my whole life.

His face is nearly the same now as it was then. There's a scar on his left cheek, but his eyes are the same. And for that reason alone, this is a lucky life.

Everyday.

2011-12-13T12:49:00.002-05:00

Another spouse is here, going through similar motions I did three months ago. No sleep, no appetite, no understanding of what in the hell just happened to her life.

A life-altering injury to the one you're with is like being punched in the face every second you're awake until you accept it. Your mind races constantly with thoughts of little things that will always be different now. The information about the present situation is overwhelming. It feels like you're being run over by a train.

I remember walking along the sidewalk one night early on here, staring at the grass and bushes as I went by. It was everything I had in me not to throw myself down and sob until it all sunk in. I've often said that it felt like my whole life and my whole future with Aaron had been burnt to the ground. Everything I loved was gone.

But that just means everything from then on was to be new again. And while it feels like promises of a "normal" future were taken away, you have to accept that it wasn't yours in the first place. There were moments when I knew I was actually in hell, but those became fewer and far between. Not only were his legs gone, but some fingers and a lot of the mobility in his hands. We only have a hope that we'll ever produce a child, and there is almost none without full-blown IVF and sperm washing. If we're very, very lucky we can start that process next year.

And eventually, you move on, grateful and proud of yourself and the hero by your side. There is honestly no other way.

2011-12-12T22:29:00.002-05:00

I'm not complaining- because let's face it, I am one seriously blessed woman- but some days, this journey of being a warrior wife to my strong man is utterly, completely exhausting. And there are no breaks.

It's okay. We're great. I just get tired and miss my old life sometimes.

Moments.

2011-12-10T12:37:00.002-05:00

Last night Aaron and I enjoyed a dinner at the Australian embassy. We invited some local relatives and chatted up with the very hospitable embassy staff. I would never turn down a chance to dine with Australians- they treat their guests like royalty. We sat at the Ambassador's table and got to know his adult children and a guest political speaker.

Then early this morning, we got another call. For a third straight month, a tech is coming through Bethesda with a life-changing injury. He has been rendered almost completely blind- total loss in one eye, with hopes of shadowing in the other. He has a baby with his very lovely wife, who has three older children with her. We'll greet the tech tomorrow night, and his family on Monday.

When is enough, enough? How much can a less-than-50 man unit take? 5 injuries since June.
A broken leg, an injured backed, Aaron's legs, Kiel's left leg, and now vision. It's awful, it's not okay, and I am at a loss of words. How?

Days.

2011-12-07T21:52:00.004-05:00

Some days are incredibly tough. The house is a mess and it seems that I can't even finish a meal without having to tend to something. Appointments run late, things pop up, we don't sleep well, or any number of things go wrong and set the whole day off.

And then there are days like this:

See more here.

Here we are...

2011-12-04T15:29:00.002-05:00

Lazy Sunday! Thanksgiving visitors, Mom visit, and a quick DC blitz with some of my battles from Fort Drum. I was going to do things today, but Aaron and I have just enjoyed not feeling any pressure to go anywhere in particular.

This past Thursday night I was invited to the DC-Metro holiday party and board meeting. I had been asked to share my USO story and I gladly did. I didn't know that 7 months of volunteerism could gain me so much family and support. It is rare to have a wholly positive experience with anything, but the USO comes very close. I hope to continue to serve in the capacity that I can.

The new digs are still working out great. I've got some Christmas decorations up and have ordered some of Aaron's gifts from online. I just need some little tables and such to go around the living room. Ugh. No surface space at all (wheelchair pathways do need to be pretty clear).

I want to spoil Aaron because well, we're together this Christmas. I am damn lucky to have him. I am just honestly so excited about us being together. We're going to get to go home for Christmas- something we didn't think was possible even a month ago. The fact that he's so healthy, and so active, is a miracle. It feels selfish to even imagine that he's only going to get even more amazing from here.

I hope everyone is looking forward to a good holiday season. Life can really be rough and trying, but I am beginning to actually believe that everyone has something to be grateful for. I know I do.

Redirect.

2011-12-03T21:55:00.000-05:00

So, since my life has completely changed I feel like I should gravitate from exclusive use of "unlikely wife". I am still an unlikely wife, blessed to be married, and now stronger than ever. I feel more warrior... like She-Ra. Or a Spartan wife. I am going to design a new blog, and then redirect from here to there. You guys don't worry about a thing. That said:

Any domain suggestions?

Any new name suggestions? I like "Unlikely Life of the Warrior Wife" but I want it to include a reference to my husband (the real warrior hero) and be shorter and easier to recall.

Any blog design peeps you suggest?

Anyone want to do a flash cartoon of me and my husband?

Thanks so much for being here as I grow and change into this new life with Aaron. I hope to always have the time and gusto to blog.

Ever lose your brain?

2011-11-29T09:57:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I:

Left Aaron's transfer board in the apartment, but thankfully he is awesome and managed six car transfers without it.
Decided to purchase a 60 lb. box of bookshelf from Target. This is dumb when you're as small as I am.
Left my keys in the shopping cart and frantically searched for them for half an hour, all the while knowing that someone in Target had them in their cart. Thankfully, she returned them just as I was begging the employees to page the whole store.
Tried to kill my husband by leaving his back wheels off the wheelchair. These wheels catch the chair when it reclines.
Got nasty with the urology desk people because we'd been waiting the duration of the appointment and couldn't get a time hack out of anyone. Thankfully, Aaron is doing fine (can we all smile about that?) and I don't feel that leaving compromised his care. Urology has been difficult and we'll deal with them later.
Booked a flight on November 20th for apparently, November 21st and not the 28th. The return flight was right (this Friday) but US Airways scrapped the whole ticket and there went $357. Yay me. I suppose I'll try to take care of that today or tomorrow. In better news, she's coming today.

I think I'm done for now. Hope you all had much better Mondays!

Here Lately...

2011-11-28T23:23:00.001-05:00

Things are going. They are going quite well actually, but it's a new life and lifestyle which require adjustments. Aaron, of course, is doing great with it. He accepts things and moves on. I have a tendency to spaz out and get really upset over little things. I am learning that there is work to do after bedtime. The housework never really ends! The journey to take your trash out here is ridiculous. You go down to the first floor and hang a right. Go allll the way to the end of the hall and out two non-wheelchair accessible doors. Go to the left and down the hill to the dumpsters, which are in the parking out and off a curb that doesn't have a ramp. To gain access by wheelchair, you have to take the long way out the front doors. And we're close to the trash- the people in the west wing are just up a creek. Needless to say, I usually end up waiting until there is a wheelchair size load and wheel it down.

In other not-awesome news, our company has given up another limb. SSG Kiel Vickers is now here. He is stable, in good spirits, conscious, without any sign of any brain injury. Other than the at-the-knee left leg amputation, he seems to be doing quite well. He's a good guy, smart tech, handsome, and funny. There is a wonderful life ahead of him.

And it just sucks. The company is only 44 or so people, so we're at a 10% injury rate. And even though I was there, I can't imagine what the families are going through. There was the broken leg from a blast, the back injury on a guy no one knew, and then Aaron. I didn't watch anything unfold because when shit got crucial it was happening to me. I have no idea what it's like to have a husband deployed while others are coming back seriously injured. I can't even imagine.

I'm in the holiday spirit, or at least trying. Hubby got all sweet on me tonight when I told him that we either had to embrace it or I was going to let it all go and not care at all (which is how I naturally lean, but I fight it every year). He helped me pick out more Christmas stuff.

We're good. It's gonna be okay. It's not always easy. And as a friend posted to me tonight: Faith makes things possible, not easy.

Words to remember.

Getting There.

2011-11-17T23:40:00.001-05:00

Today was better. I think feeling so poorly physically that it just really brought me down. I don't think I'll ever let a doctor give me an opiate ever again. At least not if I'm going to be conscious immediately afterwards.

Aaron and I both woke up in great moods, and had good days. He is just so excited about everything, even getting his ass kicked by his physical therapist, "Bunny the Destroyer" (not kidding- that's her moniker). I'm just utterly amazed by him every day, a hundred times a day.

His hands can extend far enough now that I think he could hold a medium size playground ball. This both excites me and breaks my heart. He works so hard to do so much we as able-bodied people don't even think about. I have no idea how it feels to get around in a wheelchair and that be my freedom. He never, ever complains about losing his legs. I mean, holy hell.

I am a lucky woman.

Whinin' and Cryin'.

2011-11-16T21:48:00.001-05:00

Ugh. Apparently opiates are awesome for mack-truck migraines, but the "drug hangover" is almost as bad as the headache. I seriously feel like I'm detoxing or getting hit with a baseball bat. I bummed around today, cleaning and organizing. I got a lot done but had I been able to stand up straight or move faster than a great-grandma, I could've gotten a lot more done. My MIL went with Aaron today, and bless her for it. It was a busy day.

So by the end of the month everyone in the company should have gone on R&R. I feel completely gypped. No in-uniform airport reunion, no hang-out time, no being a family with our little dogs. I will probably feel gypped at homecoming, too. Aaron is busting his ass literally to exhaustion everyday. Right now, he is struggling to make a fist with his hands. He sweats so much at night I lay an extra sheet and a towel down for him.

I wouldn't pick any other life for myself because simply, I'm spoiled rotten in love. We love each other to the ends of the Earth and back. When I told him how awful I had felt all day, he put his arms around me and leaned his wheelchair back all the way down so I could sort-of lay on him. He let me order too much sushi because I thought I was really hungry (apparently the muscles around your stomach can be sore from drugs, too). Seriously- I have nothing to complain about.

And I try really hard not to let other people's complaining get to me because life still goes on. But some of it seems so out-of-perspective. Or even trite. I'm personally tired of all the blog memes because no one hardly says anything juicy. I don't care what you're wearing- I want to know more about you. I almost can't handle the minor military-getting-in-the-way complaint, but I was once so guilty of it, too. I'm not being fair, and I admit it. Life is life. Please, bitch away.

But there's so much pain out there. I won't know for about two years if we're going to join the ranks of those who only ever try to conceive. It's definitely on my mind that I won't ever be pregnant. I tell you though, if we go IVF we'll go balls to the wall full-stem the first try. But then I think that we could gamble on IVF, or put that money towards an adoption. Ugh. And we have to actually settle down soon, too. That is so foreign and weird to me. We want to rent for awhile, but then with the country's economy like it is who knows what these grants will be in a few years. (We get vehicle and home modification grants- and there are organizations out there who match or help out in other ways, too).

I need shelves in the apartment. I want to paint (yes, rumor has it we can. I'll ask for forgiveness instead of permission, though.). We need a lot of sheets. My mind races at times with everything. Appointments, appointments, appointments.

All I want, I think, is to go back to normal. I want to bitch about stupid shit. I'd take those money-talks-over-Gchat over this any day. I want to care what people are wearing or see pictures of their kids. I do. I want R&R, and homecoming. I want to decorate my house with sexually-suggestive signs about my EOD tech getting lucky. All that shit.I want my battle buddies back.

But if I didn't know before, I do now. And if I get a moment to be superficial, it's only a moment. Everything's different now, and again I am so utterly blessed I have no idea what to do with myself but I still get a little mad, and I might always feel a little gypped. I might always judge people on how little pain they've experienced, which isn't fair because it can't be helped. Some people are just really lucky like that.

And if that's my best, it's between me and God. It'll have to do.

New Digs.

2011-11-14T20:25:00.000-05:00

We've graduated from in-patient care! We have a great little 2 bedroom ADA apartment on the hospital grounds. It's where most of the wounded warriors live while they recover. Some have the option to go off-post, but seeing as we don't own wheelchair accessible transportation that option isn't very reasonable for us at the moment. It comes furnished, with lots of storage space and some basics. Everything was gathered from the hospital room and brought over to our new place.

I wish had been there for the packing and all the discharge information, but 430am this morning I went into the ER with one of the most wicked migraines I have ever experienced. I get a classic migraine about once a year, and tension headaches a little more often. This was a double whammy of both. Some strong narcotics and 10 hours later, I was finally released. Just in time for Aaron and his parents to finish up unloading everything from the hospital room into the apartment.

I haven't fully recovered from the lag of drugs, but my head is clear and hopefully I'll sleep well tonight. In our own place, with the future bright ahead of us.

I couldn't have said it better.

2011-11-07T00:43:00.000-05:00

This is what my sister-in-law has to say about what's been going on.

Family is ultimately a verb. It knows no blood nor bounds. When you find it, you do it.

Aaron's Caring Bridge.

I WILL be back soon. I have so much inside of me I can't wait to get out over here. My soul is good- it is settled. It has had all it can take for a little while. And that means there is room to do this again.

Love to you all.

Light at the end of the tunnel and a bend in the road.

2011-10-22T00:33:00.001-04:00

Today, God willing, was Aaron's last surgery. His skin grafts took nearly 100%. The wound vacs are off and any "serious" dressing change can be done down in recovery with a little twilight drugging. Everything else is bedside. Anesthesiology signed off on him, which is amazing news too. That means his pain management is doing so well that he doesn't need them anymore.

Our bend in the road is that we might have to transfer to another facility, for a little while, to do some poly-trauma care. His upper body is very weak and he might need some extra-special rehab for that. It would be great if everything could be done here, but it can't. Those recommendations and decisions will come in the next week or so. Anything can change, at any time. That alone is exhausting.

There have been parts of this process that feel like I'm trail-blazing. We would like to think that at this point, every step would be a flawless brick in the road. Unfortunately, that's not the case. The parts that I have fought for are not insignificant, but fortunately they don't have anything to do with Aaron's care. These military nurses, medics, LPNs, and corpsman are truly proud and humbled to serve our war injured.

War injured: Almost out numbers the Vietnam dead. I know, though, that while this at times as felt like a complete and total nightmare it is some widow's dream. Every day, 100 times a day, I could cry just from feeling so lucky, blessed, and overwhelmed that I have my husband.

Someone wins the lottery everyday. Aaron won his when the IED was triggered and it went off directly under him. I won mine when he came back to me alive, and spiritually whole. He's himself.

This next part goes out to a red-headed blogger who doesn't grace us with her words often enough (cough, you know who you are):

Lives not wrecked by injury and death are not insignificant. You stand and watch others go through this pain, but perhaps ignoring your own. You can observe and articulate what you see. You can tell us what it's like to care for man who delivers the bad news. You're also a newlywed, and there's weight in that experience, as well. Please write if it's in you. If you don't feel like it, I understand. But if there's something inside of you, get it out!!!! Share with us. Be angry. Someone will understand. A lot of someones, actually. Maybe someone will challenge you and you'll grow from the experience. Who knows. But don't not write because you feel there are too many other bigger issues going on.

Life still happens. I talk to my friends about their boyfriends, their babies. I miss my friend who died four days after Aaron's incident. I still have to call the bank about the car payment.

And it's all significant. I'm just in a different bubble at the moment. Promise.

Accessorizing for a cause!

2011-10-18T09:50:00.002-04:00

So a fellow EOD spouse is having a Lia Sophia jewelry sale. 50% of the profits will go to the Wounded EOD Warrior Foundation. This foundation has paid for plane tickets for family, given us a grant, an iPad, and offered any type of assistance we need, along with emotional and friendly support. The President, Sherri Black, also bakes us yummy stuff and brings it every week. I know it's a narrow field of support, but I tell you this road is more easily traveled because of the foundation. It's amazing.

So, back to the sale. She is having a monthly special of buy one item at regular price and receive two at half-price. You can make the lowest priced item the regular priced one. The specific web page for her is: Lia Sophia/lmburkman, but be sure to type in hostess name Wounded EOD. She will send your items to the address you list when ordering, and she also sends it Priority Express with tracking. You should be able to order completely online. I really like this jewelry and what she's doing. I don't think I have ever listed a sale here before, but this is kind of a personal issue. I hope you're all okay with the not-so-shameless promoting ;)

And a big thank you for all the lovely comments and support. It means more than you know. Blogging is the only thing that has remained constant since I began this journey as a spouse. I want to send thank you's to everyone for the support it's been so awesome. And keep blogging yourselves- I do read, and I'm slowly commenting more. Your lives interest the hell out of me still!

I'm still around!

2011-10-17T23:06:00.001-04:00

Hey there! I just want you all to know that I'm still reading you! I don't comment a lot, but I do keep up. It's getting better around here. There's a normalcy to this. Also, Aaron might have only ONE surgery left and then we're done with it! WHOO HOO. He had his skin grafts done today and if they stick then on Friday it will be the last day he "goes under". I hate that his last procedure is so painful, but it's like going out with a "bang".

This everyday life feels pretty normal most days. I live in a hotel room, my husband in the hospital. We have food and toys and books and other things everywhere. I brush his teeth, I sign consent forms, I tell doctors it is REALLY inappropriate to come knocking at midnight to wake my husband. This. Feels. Normal.

And part of me thinks that's sad. Every once in a while, I can acknowledge that I live in a bubble. There are amputees- double- everywhere. Blindness, paralysis, those who lost legs so high they can't get prosthetics. This is awful in every possible way. Everyday, this is normal here. Med staff that rocks, some that don't, school lunchroom cartons of milk. General Delivery for mail.

It's not fucking worth it. Let me be clear: This War Is Not Fucking Worth This In Any Way, Shape, Or Form. I Will Never Feel Differently.

If anyone thinks I should feel differently, go look at your spouse's feet. Mine doesn't have any. Or knees. Go to a cemetery and remember that I am living someone's dream here. End of it.

I don't feel crazy angry or sad, though. I live in a bubble, this is my normal, and usually I'm just whistling along with our new life. I can't even imagine what I'd be doing instead- drinking wine with my battle buddies, wrapping up R&R, swamped in homework, volunteering at the USO. I'd be in that normal.

I guess it's all the same.

We're all, as military families, in a bubble. There are bubbles inside bubbles. And there's a whole America out there that has no idea. But I try to avoid those people. I suppose the upside to the bubble I'm in is that people get it. There's less stupidity in here, because everyone is suffering.

I did cry last week when *yet another idiot* reminded me how lucky I am that my husband is alive. I won't comment further on it, other than: No shit, Sherlock. No one needs to remind me of anything.

Love and miss you all. Hope you're all well.

P.S. "Ironman" just came on TV and I couldn't watch the beginning without crying. Fucking bullshit.

Day 39.

2011-10-16T12:20:00.000-04:00

We are, thank God, nearing the end of the road for surgeries. Aaron will have his skin grafts done on Monday. We might only be two surgeries away from this part being over. He has not faced infection in weeks and his mental state is great. Our biggest concern right now is that some doctors think he might have a moderate TBI and therefore we'll be temporarily transferred out-of-state to another facility. I am weary of this simply because of the meds he's on and the fact that he's had 3 surgeries a week almost the whole time he's been here. There are a lot of outside factors I feel are affecting him, and it feels premature to judge his TBI status. But also, I realize my limitation- his personality is so in tact that I might not see everything clearly. However, his base line isn't far off from where he is now. I am going to find out what the doctors expect out of him, what the results can be, and where they think he was beforehand. So we'll see how that goes.

We're getting to a point where we want to work on our marriage. It's time to start growing as a couple with this, and I look forward to it. It's going to be a dance, but I know we'll figure it out soon enough. It's very much an "emotional space" issue. That's the best way I know to explain it.

I'm good. We're good. And I hope to write more regularly. I miss it. I actually miss my life up at Fort Drum tremendously, which isn't surprising. That place is full of wonderful, wonderful women.

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

2011-10-11T23:32:00.000-04:00

And thus is my favorite quote from The Princess Bride.

As I combat my own possibly negative thought on what life is, I can't help but realize what I actually find important. Love. I spent the weekend with two amazing friends I met my first year of college. I could talk them about missing Alex, my friend who died four days after Aaron's accident. I missed my girls up at Fort Drum. I talked so much shit about that place but some of the greatest friendship I'll ever have came from that place. I miss people I've grown up with- and I feel lucky to still know them. One of my facebook friends dates back to kindergarten. Two of them go back farther than that, and these aren't cousins.

I have love in my life. I have family who doesn't share my blood. I have a siblings. I have a mom whom I look just like. I have a fantastic relationship with my in-laws. It seems blasphemous to even call them in-laws because things are so great.

I have Aaron, my husband.

Love is pain- it always has been and it always will be. We're all lucky to know one person who can break our little hearts, and I'm beyond grateful that I know a few who can break mine. They are all worth it. My only regret is going to be not spending more time with the people I loved and who loved me. I should work on that.

Life is not safe. Perfectly healthy young adults aren't safe from an early end (while some worthless humans live until 100). It isn't fair and I don't understand it. I can't possibly think that the pain of the loss of a life taken too soon is all part of God's big plan. How can that be? Perhaps God helps us through the things that happen, though. Life can't be stopped but perhaps there's something out there that helps ease the pain. Something we can't see. I'll let you know when I figure that out.

Time for bed. I hope I can dream about some fo these amazing people until the morning...

It should've been the airport...

2011-10-05T09:15:00.001-04:00

Today would have been the start of our R&R. Since this was our first deployment, theoretically I don't know what I'm missing. We had some great reunions in airports when we dating while he was in Germany and I was Stateside. A lot of our unit has had their 2-week break, so I've seen the pictures and cheered them on. One of the battalions is coming home, too so that's all over Facebook. Sigh.

To tell the truth, I don't feel much of anything about all this. No negative feelings, resentment, or even anger. I'm not one to get too worked up over "what might have been". I think that hope kills anyway, so I try not to hope for things. That seems to always get me in trouble.

I think, for the most part, I've settled in here. Im tired a lot but I'm making do. I eat well at least a few days a week. I finally paid some bills and responded to some emails. I even watched an episode of "Glee".

Aaron is about 80% himself. His arms are all wrapped up so he's needing a lot of assistance. We're sweet to each other, and have even gotten in a few French kisses. Those are the highlight of my life. Love it.

His parents are still here and I'm grateful for that. I don't know how I could balance all of this alone. They're great people.

He's getting the best medical care in the world and I know it. Usually they take care of us, too. The system is working.

Hopefully, everything stays on track and his legs can stay closed and in a few weeks the skin grafts can start. I think we'll be in the hospital for about 6 more weeks.

This is it, folks. But there's never a moment of getting it, it's living it. Living with it. This new lifestyle, leaving my great friends at Fort Drum (I left Roswell, GA in April 2010 and Mannheim in August 2010 and now Fort Drum in September 2011, so leaving people I love too soon is a theme), and feeling like I'll never be caught up again are it. I'm also still processing the loss of one of the best friends I've ever had. Shit can really suck, life is full of it and it's up to us to make it happy. Life in it's natural state isn't usually happy. That's just how I feel.

Someone sent me this quote early on, not knowing the author is one of my favorites. I adore this:
“I said to my soul be still, and wait without hope; for hope would be hope of the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith. But the faith, and the love, and the hope are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
T.S. Eliot

Moments. Day 21.

2011-09-28T22:34:00.002-04:00

Intimacy is now feeding my husband his meals. It's a type of dance we do on a daily basis. It's patience when we're trying to communicate through foggy anesthesia and vivid drug-induced dreams and startling consciousness. He is 80% himself and for that I thank God and Jesus and Allah and Vishnu. He had many injuries, most of which will require skin grafting in the coming weeks (yes, his skin since the risk of rejection is high with these types of injuries). Blood infections, 106.7 degree fevers, frustration, and everything you can think of goes on here.

But then he says "Hey, sweetheart," every time I enter the room. Then we have a sweet conversation after a teeth- brushing. He'll crack a bad joke and show me his dimples. We are still us, still sweet and kind to one another, still newlyweds, still in love. He hasn't wavered once and that gives me strength. Then he tells me he couldn't do this without me.

Now how am I not an incredibly lucky/fortunate/blessed girl? I love him and he loves me. Always.

Just a quick nothing. Day 17.

2011-09-24T16:39:00.000-04:00

Today would have been the sixth-month mark for deployment. Instead, I'm at the Navy Lodge at Bethesda (now Walter Reed National Military Medical Center Bethesda). Each surgery has been progress, but he's still on a lot of drugs and not really himself. The fear of TBI is creeping up on me. I'm not getting ahead of myself- there's reason to be thinking about this. It's already been a wild ride, and the level of insanity has maybe been down graded from " impossibly frantic" to "unbelievably hectic". Or something.

Four days after my notification of Aaron's injuries, I was in Germany for a day. During this day, I received a horrible message that one of my best friends had died in a tragic and senseless car accident. His memorial is today, and I'm literally living the one reason why I wouldn't be there. My heart is broken is so many ways.

I am medicated a little bit, and I do have Aaron's parents here. We're all hanging in. It's just kind of settling in that this is it. I do have some wonderful, amazing people taking care of everything back at Fort Drum so I don't really have to worry about that. I feel a lot of love, and it all really does help. Some days are still better than others.

I promise a real post soon. Thank you for your kind words and all. It means a lot. Here is his Caring Bridge:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/aaroncausey

End of Day 3.

2011-09-10T23:22:00.001-04:00

Everyday the plan changes. He's doing well, but fighting infection and since he was bumped from two flights the Army is flying me and his parents over to be with him. We could fly to Bethesda Tuesday or Friday. It's been an Army process- everything from amazing to super sucktastic. The hospital has been fantastic. Travel and Transpo aren't helpful until they have orders, and don't even think about calling them. It's not been neglectful in any way, though. I feel like a yoyo.

But people have been amazing. Some of my blog-buddies have become straight-up allies, almost from the instant the news hit. I am floored. My Army wife friends have been angels. I have never felt so much love in all my life. Total strangers (to me) are visiting my husband in Germany and updating me. They are reading notes to him the family has sent them.

I met with "my girls" for the last time tonight. I most likely won't come back here when everything is PCS'd and boxed up, which is kind of horrifying to be honest. This whole process is horrifying but it really isn't all that bad. I'm every emotion at any time. Today I've been really irritable, but I also start my period in a few days (how cruel is that?!). Martin's Point sucks a big dick for not covering my birth control in a pharmacy instead of mail order.

He's doing really well, all things considered. He's been pretty responsive. He still has a tube down his throat but does breathe on his own just fine. He lost his right leg just above the knee and his left at the knee. He will need some skin grafts on his right leg. His right arm is fractured. There are a few more injuries but that is the gist of it. I am not scared at all about us, but of course I am scared in general. Some official Army cunt told me that families only go to Germany if something really bad could happen, so of course I flipped out when they started talking to me about going. All is okay now, I guess. I'm still scared.

Your love helps more than you could possibly know. It is not trite, it is not lost, and keep doing it! My mom and sister-in-law are amazed at my "Army family". And the EOD community- damn. It's really family, whether you know the person or not. Again, floored.

I have to pack and I leave at 6am. I'll update as soon as I can.

The second worst nightmare.

2011-09-07T17:56:00.000-04:00

I received an injury notification today in the form of two strangers in ACUs. My life from this point on will never be the same, but I will embrace it and defeat all obstacles. I've been surrounded by beautiful Army wife angels all day and my mother and sister-in-law arrive tonight.

I have to see this typed: My husband lost both of his legs. He is otherwise fine and in good health, whatever that means.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers.